Chicarcas Hansel y Pitirijas Gretel

Erase una vez dos albañiles muy pobres llamados Chicarcas y Pitirijas. Eran empleados de una obra también muy pobre, tanto lo era, que el patrón no sabía cómo despedirlos a ambos sin darles liquidación.

Un día el patrón tuvo una idea. Llamó a los dos albañiles y les prometió un paseo por La Marquesa por ser tan chambeadores y responsables. Ambos sospecharon del ofrecimiento pues ellos sabían que no eran ni lo uno ni lo otro, pero pronto dejaron las suspicacias de lado al prometerles una tanda de quesadillas de hongos con queso en tortillas de masa azul.

Ya en el frío bosque, y sentados en la mesa de la fonda donde devoraba los suculentos manjares, el patrón se disculpó diciendo que iría a traer algo de la camioneta. Nuevamente la sospecha surgió de ellos pues habían llegado hasta ahí en pesero. Sus sospechas se incrementaron cuando, al paso de las horas, el patrón no regresaba. Siendo ya de noche Pitirijas le dijo a Chicarcas:

-Oyes Maistro, se me hace que el patrón ya nos dejó bien embarcados con la cuenta.

-Ya sé güey, me di cuenta desde el comienzo, pero no dije nada porque ayer le chingué una caja de herramientas al patrón.

-¿Y ora que vamos a hacer? – dijo Pitirijas con los ojos asustadizos llenos de lágrimas.

-No se me asuste Pitirijas y sígame la corriente que de esta salimos con calzones.

La matrona responsable de la fonda, quien ya se olía las malas intenciones de nuestros héroes, merodeaba muy cerca de ellos, Chicarcas se dio cuenta de su cercanía, entonces le dijo a Pitirijas lo suficientemente alto para ser escuchado:

-¡Ah que buen taco nos hemos echado! Ya podemos regresar a terminar el narcotúnel que estamos construyendo, ¿o no Pitirijas?

-Esteee, siiii, sicierto, me siento tan fuertote que creo poder cargar de a dos pacas de a kilo en cada mano.

La matrona asustada por creer que tenía a dos peligrosos sicarios en su negocio se les acercó temblorosa y con una sonrisa nerviosa les dijo:

-Cortesía de la casa muchachos.

Sin embargo ya la noche había caído en el bosque y ambos no tenían forma de salir de ahí. Deambulando por las veredas notaron una luz en medio de la oscuridad. ¡Era una casa! Chicarcas y Pitirijas se acercaron cautelosos y notaron la puerta de la casa abierta. Entraron y se percataron que un viejecillo casi ciego y con bastón deambulaba por ahí. Este al medio verlos, los invitó a pasar y tomarse un café para luego ofrecerles posada en esa noche.

Por la mañana Chicarcas despertó y notó que Pitirijas no estaba; incluso recordó no haberle escuchado durante la noche su concierto de ronquidos y flatulencias tan frecuentes en él. Al intentar levantarse se dio cuenta que estaba sujeto a la cama con unas esposas.

Enseguida apareció el viejecillo con una cámara con la cual comenzó a grabarle:

-¡Con que cártel trabajas!

Chicarcas pensó lo peor. El viejecillo eran en realidad un narco que se escondía en el bosque y capturaba inocentes víctimas a las cuales obligaba confesar delitos inexistentes. Por un momento Chicarcas se imagino así mismo ser pozoleado o reencarnando dentro de unos tamales en cualquier calle del D.F.

-No señor, yo soy maistro de obra y a veces también soy chalán –dijo Chicarcas con la entereza propia de quien dice la verdad-. Y si usted me la perdona le doy un buen presupuesto para echarle otro piso a su casa. ¿Cómo la ve?

El anciano convencido por la generosa oferta lo puso a trabajar día y noche. Mientras tanto Pitirijas permanecía encerrado en una jaula donde era alimentado como bestia de engorda. Sin embargo Chicarcas era muy astuto e ideo un plan de escape para ambos. Cierta noche el anciano vigilaba a Chicarcas trabajar en la obra del segundo piso.

-Oiga patrón, ¿no podría poner algo de música norteña? Así me dan más ganas de chambear.

El anciano motivado por lo que creyó un gusto compartido fue en busca de un cd de narcocorridos. Chicarcas aprovechó para escabullirse y liberar a Pitirijas de su jaula y juntos escaparon de la casa de su secuestrador.

Dispuestos a tomar venganza contra su patrón que los había abandonado en el bosque se dirigieron hacia su antiguo lugar de trabajo. El patrón los recibió con abrazos y besos. Ambos no entendían la felicidad del patrón hasta que se enteraron que el resto de albañiles se había afiliado a la CTM.

Así ambos regresaron a la obra como trabajadores no sindicalizados.

Fin.

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